I am starting this off by saying, this blog post is making me very vulnerable and I wasn't even sure if I should share this with the world, but I have hopes that it might be something you need to read, and if you don't want a glimpse into my vulnerability, or what's going on in my life, perhaps this is where you go back to looking at your facebook news feed.
As some of you may know, I have an eye disease called Keratoconus. It is a progressive eye disease that will continue to progress, unless it gets stopped, and that is with surgery. I was diagnosed with this eye disease 3 years ago, and since than my eyes have gotten to a whopping -13.5. Making it very difficult to see out of glasses. You can ask my coworkers, I run in to everything, and have to ask them if they can find things, etc. It hasnt been fun, and it has been a trial in my life, but I can't wait for the day that I can see again! While I was home a few weeks ago, I saw a specialist that highly advised I get the surgery as soon as possible. I was than stuck with a decision of wether to go on medical leave and than come back, or move home, get the surgery and than see what adventure comes my way.
That is part 1 of my deciding progress.
For part 2, this is the longer of the two parts, and the vulnerable part.
As all or most of you know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In college I was Relief Society president, and went to the temple as often as possible, I would like to think I was as LDS as they come. I was raised LDS, and can probably count on 2 hands how many times I have missed a sunday in 21 years of living.
Ever since working in the hotel industry, as many of you know, hotels never close. And since than, the number has flip flopped. I say this with a broken spirit, I can probably count on 2 hands how many times I have been to church in the past year in a half. It is so embarrasing to say. How could I go from as active as can be, to innactive?
In LA, I was right next to my best friend Shay, who encouraged me to go to FHE with her, and would try to find other ways to stay close to my Heavenly Father, since I was unable to go to church on Sundays. I would always go over to her home, and just being in a home where the spirit is so strong was so nice to be. Between her and her wonderful family I never felt the gospel slipping away. Plus, I was in the same state as my family, and their was a temple a few miles away. I just didn't feel inactive when I was working in Marina Del Rey.
When I moved to the Caymans, I knew the church was very small here, and I thought I could handle it. But the truth is the first 6 months or so, I felt myself slipping away. And unfortunately, I think Satan could see that and kept pulling and pulling. I wasn't saying my prayers, I was dressing immodestly, I wasn't reading my scriptures, and I wasn't sharing the gospel. I had felt like the light had gone out. I felt completely empty. Something was missing from my life.
It wasn't until November when the LDS church announced the news about the LGBT community not being able to be baptized, etc. I am not going to get in to it. But I made a comment on a news site standing up for what I knew deep down I believed in. Pretty soon I was in over my head, and people started telling me that I was brainwashed, and that I worshipped an evil God, and all this garbage. But in the spite of that I got a few private messages, some from people I knew, some from strangers, thanking me for my courage to defend the LDS church, and how I was being an example. Those messages mean more to me than those people that wrote them to me will ever know. I am so grateful for each and every one of them. After that, Something just clicked. I knew in my heart I wasn't slipping away, but my actions might have been percieved another way. I started reading my scriptures, praying and telling people at work that I was LDS, and talking to them about some things that I believe in. I still wasn't able to go to church, but I was trying.
While I was at home a few weeks ago, after hearing about my eyes, I knew I had a tough decision to make. On that Saturday, I was able to attend a baptism of a perfect little 8 year old girl who made the choice to be baptized. I have babysat this girl and her sisters and brother for 6 years. While at the baptism, I think I cried the whole time. I felt something so warm and comforting and I knew that it was the spirit. It was something that I had been missing for a year in a half in my life. It felt so good to feel the spirit again and to feel of his infinite love for me. The next day, was fast Sunday, and I got up and bore my testimony, and it felt so good to be able to share my love for the gospel and for my Heavenly Father. I knew in that moment that I have a lot of work to do on myself.
It was then that I realized what I needed to do. I knew that i needed to come home, get the eye surgery and stay home. I love my job, I love what I do. But I also know that I love my family and the gospel of Jesus Christ more than my job. At this point in my life I need to be selfish and work on that aspect on my life. I always tell people, the first two priorities in my life are my Family and the gospel. Those two things from now on have to come first. I can be dirt poor but as long as I have the gospel and my family, I can be eternally happy.
Coming back to the Island was bittersweet. Telling my Chef that I was resigning was one of the hardest things I had to do. I really look up to her. She is so talented and has been a huge help to me. We cried together in her office when the news was being shared. Telling my coworkers was no where short of easy as well. They have been like my second family here on this island. They will always hold a special place in my heart.
Everyone has asked why Im not just coming back after my recovery. People may not agree with my decision or think im silly for leaving such a wonderful company. And the fact of the matter is, I need my family and I need the gospel. I am missing out on memories with my family and my sweet niece. And now that my sister is pregnant, I can't miss out on seeing another niece or nephew growing up. These are the moments that matter most to me. Being surrounded by loved ones and feeling the loving spirit of my Heavenly Father. I never want to feel that emptiness every again. It is an awful feeling.
This is why I love the gospel and I am so thankful for the atonement. So imperfect people like me have another chance. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have had to live 10 months of my life on this beautiful island. I am so thankful for the experiences I have been able to go through. And as silly as it sounds, I am grateful that I was able to experience being innactive because I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I NEVER want to feel that again. My savior has blessed me with a beautiful family, a wonderful career, and now it is my turn to show my Heavenly Father how grateful I am for those blessings, by sharing the gospel,being active, and living my life as an example to all those around me.
So after I move home, spend a couple months there recovering and making memories with my family, I am 99% sure that I will be moving to Utah. I am not sure what the Lord has in store for me, but after many prayers, and thinking, I have never felt more right about a decision than moving to Utah. I can't wait to see what is in store for me there. And let's be honest, it wont be too hard to stay active with the church being so strong there. I cannot wait.
This was not an easy post to write about, and some may think it is too personal, but for me, I am not ashamed of what I went through. I know that we have to get through hard times to get to the better times. I am just grateful that I was able to realize what I was missing in my life. I know that I have so many wonderful adventures coming my way. I love my Savior, I love my family and my friends. I am so excited to move back home and create memories with the wonderful family that I was blessed with!! I have 5 more weeks here on the island, and I know that it will fly by, and I will be home in no time. But let's be honest I am going to enjoy these last 5 weeks in paradise!
Thank you for sharing the journey with me!
Lots of Love,
Jay.
A few of my favorite churchy things right now.
http://www.ldsliving.com/Don-t-Miss-This-Hauntingly-Beautiful-Come-Thou-Fount-If-You-Could-Hie-to-Kolob-Mashup/s/81236?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=social_button
https://youtu.be/l70e1TfN34w
“He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held onto the fading light and believed—even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you.” —Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Living the Gospel Joyful
