It’s my story.
8 months pregnant, and i found myself in a really hard spot. An impossible spot, one i didn’t know how I was going to get through it. But I knew I had a loving Heavenly Father who would get me through it.
Let me for warn this blog post. This has been written for a while, and I’ve debated posting it or keeping it in. But one of my biggest motivators in life is trying every way possibly to help those around me, even if it means exposing a little bit of my personal life. I do not want sympathy, And this post isn’t meant to bash anyone. This isn’t me blaming anyone or trying to make anyone look poorly. It’s not about me wanting attention, trust me it’s hard enough to swallow some pride, be humble and share my journey in hopes it might touch just one of you. It’s simply about how i got through some hard times with the help of my Savior. It’s about having the courage to share a part of my journey. Nothing more, nothing less. I know some may not agree with me posting about this as it’s a hard topic, and maybe this is just my way of healing and i just need to write it down, but it’s a part of my story and I will never hide that, no matter how hard it may be to share.
I found myself really quite unhappy. I was missing so much of who i was. I feel like i couldn’t quite get to being myself again. Growing up i would consider myself a happy go lucky, lover of life, always trying to be positive kind of person. I loved to smile and found joy in knowing others were happy. But now i was living a life where I was drained, torn, unhappy, and miserable. My self worth was down the drain and I got really good at faking my happiness. I found my motivator to keep going and find myself again was my son baking inside of me. Oh how I couldn’t wait to snuggle and kiss those cheeks of his! He deserves the best me possible and I had to find a way to get back there. But i was lost with no direction.
I found myself on my knees begging my Savior for guidance, some kind of direction. And I kept getting the answer of what to do, but it was an answer that seemed nearly impossible to do. So I kept praying hoping for another alternative. Nothing, same answer. So my prayers quickly turned to having the courage to follow his plan for me even though I knew it was going to be a long hard road that may not have everyone’s approval, or may have people gossiping or tiptoeing around me or whatever it may be.
But I followed his guidance and direction and did what I never thought I’d have the courage to do.
I now found myself 8 months pregnant and going through a divorce. The Word divorce is not one that comes lightly to me. Nor did I ever picture my life going this path. It took everything in me to do it, but i knew that i would have the Saviors help. I still found myself crying, feeling like a failure, and asking why me? Why now? Why? I knew it was the right decision but that didn’t make it easier for one bit.
But all I could do was simply rely on the Saviors plan for me and keep moving forward. My focus now turned to how can I be the best mom possible to such a perfect human being, a blessing from my Savior? How can i turn this trial into a learning experience? How can i come closer to my Savior through this?
I found myself listening to church music, reading conference talks, reading my scriptures doing everything I could to find all those answers. And what I learned is that You know what? We have a Savior who designed our lives, who mapped out every trial, every happy time, every obstacle, every success. If my Savior gave me this trial, than He had the faith in me to know that i could get through this and I needed this.
So my thoughts quickly turned to, you know what I’m strong enough to get through this! Why not me? I am not a failure. My Savior didn’t design any of his children to be failures. I did what I never thought I’d have the courage to do. I left, so that I can find my happiness again. I left, so that i could be the best mom that I can be. I left because i knew my worth and what i deserved. I started to dig deep inside of me and started pulling out my happiness. Oh how I missed smiling and not having sadness behind it. I missed saying “I’m doing so good, I’m happy” and not having the thought of “I’m miserable and unhappy but I can pretend”.
The Lord has truly helped me turn this into such a positive learning experience. I have grown so close to him, and I have learned to rely on him. I’ve learned that it’s okay to go through hard times, but it’s never okay to stray away from the Savior. I’ve learned that I am enough, The feeling of being inadequate and a failure comes through Satan and we cannot listen to him. Our Savior loves us despite our imperfections, and will help us along the path of returning to him.
I have found my joy again. It hasn’t been easy. I still wonder why I have to go through this, but when I look into my sons perfect eyes I know that because I had the courage to leave, I could now focus on being the best mom to my sweet Hunter boy. I am grateful for my savior for giving me the courage and guidance that he has. I am grateful that I was given Hunter. He is my biggest blessing and I can’t believe he is mine. He reminds me why I made the decision I did, and finding my joy and happiness again made it all worth it. It’s a beautiful thing to have a real genuine smile on your face and not have to try and hide the hurt and suffering. I will forever look at the positive of this trial.
Thank you to everyone who’s reached out to make sure I was doing okay. I am okay, i am happy , and i am loved. I am owning this trial and I am grateful for a savior who gave me this trial. I know this was a very personal post and some may not agree or question why i posted something so personal. But my hopes is that it touched just one of you and helped you realize your worth, that you are enough, you are strong enough to do extremely hard things, you deserve happiness, and you will get through this journey and your trials with the companionship of the Savior. Have the courage to stand up for yourself and have the courage to live the life you want to live. Have the courage to stay true to who you are. Never lose hope, never lose sight of who you are and never lose sight of your happiness. Your blueprint of life might be different than you planned, but don’t be afraid to share your story, it’s what makes you beautiful.
I love you all!
-Jay.
