triggers, kindness, and all things complicated

This time of the year is always a little more difficult. When I went through my divorce I figured it would take me a few months, a year at the max to finally be me again. But what I didn’t realize was how long trauma would continue to cloud my mind. What I didn’t realize was that there are triggers that can go off and sends your mind spiraling through emotions you don’t even know how to comprehend and deal with. 

It has been two years. And I still struggle. I don’t miss my ex. I don’t miss the emotional abuse. I don’t miss the feeling of feeling worthless. I don’t miss not feeling beautiful, because In the year in a half I knew my ex that word never escaped his lips. I don’t miss being told I should smoke weed so I can finally understand him. I don’t miss having to feel like I have to protect someone who wouldn’t bat an eye if i needed to be protected. I could go on and on but i believe the point came across. 

T R I G G E R S. 

I didn’t even know what this meant. I didn’t even know this was a thing. But boy did I learn quick. I have quickly learned what some of my triggers can be, but learning how to deal with them is a whole different thing. Ive never had to deal with anxiety. The kind where you see one word, and you instantly have to sit down because you just can't think and start shaking. You can't hear the conversation going on because your mind is now going all over the place. Or getting anxiety in big public places, having to look at every face passing you. 

OR having to deal with a mind that over complicates every little thing. I dont think many people can really understand what goes through someones mind who has experienced certain trauma in their life. Here is a few examples of how my brain works compared to a normal human who may not have these triggers. 

*Asking someone for help and they can’t. 

Normal: oh they must be busy, i can ask someone else. 

Me: now I feel like a burden. I was told if I didn’t deserve help because I’ve gotten myself into this mess. So I’ll just have to get myself out of this mess because the last thing I would want is to bother someone. They must not want to help. Now i feel terrible.

*not getting a response to a text or call 

Normal: they must be busy

Me: what did i do wrong, how can i fix this. I feel dumb , I feel worthless. Can I delete that text? Will it make it go away? Clearly they don’t want to talk to me. I must be a bother. I must fix this.

*crying over emotions 

Normal: i just need a good cry I’m good 

Me: why am I so emotional. Why do i have

To cry all the time. Somethings wrong with me. How is anyone going to want to help me, I’m a mess. 

These are just a few examples caused because of words and feelings expressed in my marriage. There are so many more but once again i believe my point is crossed.

The truth is we all go through these moments. We all go through hard times. We all have are personalized triggers. Its important to remember that there is nothing wrong with you because of this. 

I often get told how strong I am or how good of an example I am, or how good of a friend I am. But  unfortunately one thing we have to filter is soaking in the good and ousting the bad. But instead, these comments go out the door the moment they are said. Because in the end, when you’re fed negativity for over a year by someone who was supposed to love you, it’s just what happens. How can we change this? By learning to Love yourself and accepting your good qualities.

Be a friend. Try to understand. This was hard for me. When I was going through my divorce I felt so much like a burden that i didn’t want to talk to anyone. And i don’t think a lot of people close to me knew how to help someone who was going through a divorce. Feelings of loneliness swept in. 

It’s quite sad how much our brain and thoughts can take over how we are feeling. Overthinking is the worst. Satan is more worse. 

Satan is evil. And often I find myself succumbing to the thoughts he feeds me. 

“No one will ever care about you as much as you care about them”  this is one I’ve always struggled with. Why do i care so much and often get ignored or nothing in return? Why do I have to try so hard to be friends with someone when I know i don’t even cross their mind.  So what’s the easiest thing to do, turn off your feelings and push them away. Because I’d hate to ever feel like a burden. Is this a good thing to do? Of course not. But sometimes its how we ration things in our mind. Did I mention overthinking is a cruel cruel thing. 

A few months ago i was struggling with this burdened feeling of always helping and getting nothing in return when I needed help. I knew Satan was making me feel worthless but why couldn’t I get over it. I love serving. I remember my parents telling me, “Jaylene never lose site of who you are. That’s who you are. You serve and serve and you love doing it. Keep doing it. Don’t lose that. “

A lot of lessons have been learned in the past two years. But one of the most

Important lessons I’ve learned is that

The Savior is your Friend. Lean on him. He wants to help you but he can’t if you dont let him in. 

I’ve learned to keep fighting. Fight through the triggers, fight through the insecurities. 

I’ve learned to love. Love myself, love my family, love those you care about, and love those who frustrate you. 

I’ve learned to not let Satan win.

I’ve learned to not let my emotions ruin my whole day. 

I’ve learned to be a friend. Be that friend that I felt I never had. Even though I may have. Stick by those you care about. And if they don’t want it in return there’s nothing wrong with you. You keep being YOU. 

I’ve learned to have faith. Have faith in the Lords plan for me.

BE KIND to yourself. We are truly way too hard on ourselves. We get caught up in trying to be perfect, and when we fail, we become so unkind to our own self. You are not perfect, I am not perfect, your neighbor is not perfect, and your friends aren't perfect. You would forgive a friend for doing something wrong, but why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? Why can't we navigate those feelings? Why do we self destruct when we make mistakes. We have to learn to be kind and love ourselves, or we will never be willing to receive love and kindness from others. 

Friends, we all have our struggles. Some keep them in, some wear them on their sleeves. Just be kind. If someone needs you be there for them even if it’s not a convenient time. Chances are if they’re asking for help they really need it. 

Let go of negative feelings. Let go of feelings that you’re not good enough, because i promise you , you are. You are all sons and daughters of our Savior and he LOVES you so much. 

Things to remember:

You matter

Being yourself is good enough

Don’t change who you are

You are beautiful

Don’t sweat the small things 

Don’t overthink things

Love others

Love yourself

Be a friend

Don’t judge

You are so incredibly Loved by a father in Heaven

Listen to people around you

Open your eyes and see who needs help

You got this 

I am sorry for rambling but I am a true believer that you really don't know what is going on in someone's life. Always treat people how you would want to be treated. Always be honest. Always be loving. And always always remember that people may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. Always leave people a little better then how you found them. 

In a world that’s becoming ever

More cruel it’s time we unite. Be a friend, be there for people. Lift their spirits, be joyful, love and most importantly , wear a smile ️